I decided to start this online journey for a couple of reasons. One, anonymity. I have zero people following me. I have told zero people that I’m doing this. Why? If I told anyone, then they would know it was me. I want this to be a place for people to share their stories and their feelings and have a wonderful sense of community. A community I feel like I have lost... more about that later... I’m just a person trying to connect without any filters. Two, I need healing. I am hoping to find that here.
My brother once told me that I was an attention seeker. That I needed everyone’s approval in order to feel good about myself. I would never admit this to him, but he was right... But not for the reasons he thinks. I spent the better part of my childhood being emotionally abused by my father and brothers. Meanwhile, my mother told me to “just ignore them.” After an entire childhood of being told you’re not good enough, you’re fat, you’re worthless, you start to believe it. I do need approval, but I know I’ll never get it from my brother. Every. Single. Time. I think about posting something on facebook, or instagram, I question it. Even if it’s a picture of my kids... I question if my brother is going to think I’m seeking attention. And if I think he MIGHT think that, I don’t post it. How sad and messed up is that?
On the outside I look pretty put together. I would post a picture but that would defeat the purpose of me feeling like I can really be myself. I am average height, I’m told I’m skinny, and I have a wonderful husband that I absolutely don’t deserve as well as 4 ridiculously smart, talented and beautiful children. I am not someone that you would think has all of these feelings bottled up inside of her, but that’s the point. I think we all have these types of feelings. We are all just too scared of what other people are going to think to really let ourselves be OURSELVES. And what I find to be the saddest of all, if we were all our real selves out here on the World Wide Web, we just might find real community.
Maybe we could help other people who feel so alone. Like me. Like you.
My brother once told me that I was an attention seeker. That I needed everyone’s approval in order to feel good about myself. I would never admit this to him, but he was right... But not for the reasons he thinks. I spent the better part of my childhood being emotionally abused by my father and brothers. Meanwhile, my mother told me to “just ignore them.” After an entire childhood of being told you’re not good enough, you’re fat, you’re worthless, you start to believe it. I do need approval, but I know I’ll never get it from my brother. Every. Single. Time. I think about posting something on facebook, or instagram, I question it. Even if it’s a picture of my kids... I question if my brother is going to think I’m seeking attention. And if I think he MIGHT think that, I don’t post it. How sad and messed up is that?
On the outside I look pretty put together. I would post a picture but that would defeat the purpose of me feeling like I can really be myself. I am average height, I’m told I’m skinny, and I have a wonderful husband that I absolutely don’t deserve as well as 4 ridiculously smart, talented and beautiful children. I am not someone that you would think has all of these feelings bottled up inside of her, but that’s the point. I think we all have these types of feelings. We are all just too scared of what other people are going to think to really let ourselves be OURSELVES. And what I find to be the saddest of all, if we were all our real selves out here on the World Wide Web, we just might find real community.
Maybe we could help other people who feel so alone. Like me. Like you.
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